whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize