Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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