I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
