Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
