So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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