I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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