Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
