Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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