yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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