Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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