So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Randomize
