You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize