drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Randomize
