I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
