I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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