It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
