I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
my poor anus
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
