When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Randomize
