I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Randomize
