It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
