wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Randomize