my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Randomize
