Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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