it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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