Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Randomize
