mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
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