At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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