For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
