My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Randomize
