Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Randomize