I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
Randomize
