i wish starbucks made bloody marys
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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