Screwed.edu
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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