3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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