No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
