So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
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