now i know why i became what i already was.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
