i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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