My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Randomize
