Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Randomize
