in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Randomize
