my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize
