Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Randomize
