I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Randomize