2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Randomize
