I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
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