Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
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