I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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