Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
