First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
