we have officially lost it.
On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
