he thought i was a dude.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
