im having a threesome with these popsicles
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
I'm bleeding and have questions
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
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