I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
