I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
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