I'm so fucking centered right now
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Randomize
