I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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