I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
50% drunk capacity currently
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
