So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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