Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I just want nice things and good sex
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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