i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
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