i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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