At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
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