did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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