I got chris browned last night
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
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